This time around the wheel

Needs a title

kinkspirit — Tue, 03 May 2011 04:59:57 +0000

I have been feeling off balance lately. Part of it is Beltaine energies and the coming (pardon the pun) of the Lover. I mean we all know how I like to dance around a good maypole. But part of it feels like something else. It’s hard to describe, but the easiest way is to say that my personal elements are all out of whack. My Air and Water have always a weird manic-depressive relationship, but in the last 6 months or so it seems to have gotten worse. My Fire has also been suffering lately due to a lot of Earth. But since most of the Earth things aren’t going away soon, nor do I want them to, I need to figure out how to structure it into a chimney rather than a cover.

Some of that is already happening. I’ve got some new projects that I’m actually excited about starting. And with finally being off council I actually have the energy. (That’s not to say I wouldn’t do it again, I just needed a break.) I’m going to be focusing less on Ordeal Path stuff and more on pop culture, myth/meme construction, and other Upperworldly stuff. So all this good stuff is happening for me, but I still feel off in some way. I’m almost almost thinking that it’s time to break out the Book of Elements again. It’s amazing how something as basic, and I’ll admit annoying, would be one of the things that I keep going back to. I still don’t like several exercises we learned, but at least I can see the value of teaching them to us.. But yeah, need to start setting some things back in order before I get into the full swing of things. On the other hand I need to be careful that I don’t spend all my time focused inward and forget about outward.

This past weekend was Beltaine and it ended up being a really nice night so I took my cauldron out to the deck and did some fire scrying with the Ancestors. Of course this is my favorite holiday of the year (though Sovven is a very close second). It probably is because they share a lot of the same energies…though those that are different are pretty much polar opposites. And even that speaks to me…I spend a lot of time trying to dance along that fault line in power dynamic systems. But back to my evening, I had a good conversation with the Ancestors, both collectively and a few individually. One of the main messeages that I got was that I needed to make some descions and stick with them. Too often I am trying to keep my options open, see every twist and turn of the path on either side before I commit. And I’m not getting anywhere this way, cuz sometimes I’m too afraid of the consequences. It’s something that I am vowing to work on, and with the release of energy I think a difference can me made.

But now it is time to rest the mortal coil….still have to go to work and pay the bills. I may get to visit places outside this world, I still gotta live here too.

Zhai’helleva

P.S. I’ve decided I’m buying a lycra sleep sack this weekend. *SQUEEEE*

Awaken….and dance

kinkspirit — Sun, 01 May 2011 06:08:06 +0000

The wheel has turned again, my friend.
From death to life, and old to new.
Stirring, preparing
Now to burst forth with cries of glee.

Have you felt the signs?
The heat of the sun, as he climbs ever higher.
And the light lasts just a little bit longer.
A quiet buzz from the land around you
Waking from it’s long slumber.

Surely you have felt it?
There is a spring in your step.
Your mind is racing with new ideas.
And old challenges long put aside.
The urge to move, to venture out into the world.
These were the beginning.

But now that urge has grown.
We want to shed the coats, the layers of clothing.
Like a cocoon shed when you are born anew.
To feel the wind on your skin,
And to feel the skin of another.
Touching and teasing.
The pleasure and the pain.
To experience life in unexpected ways.
Till you can hold it in no more,
And you too burst forth with glee and ecstasy.

The Lover is calling.
And the Explorer is giving way.
He has seen many things.
But now it’s time to try them all.
Breathe deep, dance,
Get messy!
And above all open your hearts.

Zhai’helleva

Dance of the Gods

kinkspirit — Wed, 30 Mar 2011 07:55:51 +0000

I am a god.
A god of many talents and many meanings,
The Divine spark ignited
Given form and face.

I walk the worlds with the surety of my own dwelling.
Stepping lightly among the branches of the Great World Tree
I climb ever higher until I reach,
Centered at the apex of the heavens,
The Ben-ben stone.
The golden, glinting capstone of creation.
Engraved on it’s sloping sides,
The story of the Abyss and of the sacred World Mound.
Brought forth from the darkness,
And given light and life.
And I smiled!

From the very heights to the very depths.
With speed and grace I find myself,
Moving among the roots of the Tree.
Working my way into the center of the earth,
Until at last come to a sprawling cavern.
At the center a roaring bonfire,
And circled round a tribe of Men.
The Ancestors of ages past and yet to come.
The fire light danced among the shadows,
And yet it also danced within the eyes of each.
“Come,” they call to me, “Sit with us,
And share our tales of life and light and wisdom learned.”
And I smiled!

So from the dark of night I rose,
Until I found myself standing in between,
At the trunk of the Mighty World Tree.
The green grass spread wide and far.
At this I gave a shout and leapt,
Transformed myself and out I ran.
Ran as nothing on four legs could do.
To seek the horizons and adventures to be had.
The peoples I’ve met and the songs I’ve heard.
The elves, the dwarfs, elementals, and all the rest.
Each to lead me in their dance,
Of light and life and wisdom granted.
And I smiled!

Still alive

kinkspirit — Sun, 27 Feb 2011 00:00:00 +0000

Haven’t posted in quite some time, what can I say, life got busy and I haven’t had time or energy to write. So a lot has happened and I’m not going to try to recap it all (I don’t want to write 18 pages covering everything since the move) Let’s just say it was eventful and completely boring all at the same time.

Winter is sloooooowly releasing it’s hold on Chicago. Two more years at least, but I’m ready to move somewhere warm. I was supposed to be moving to Seattle in just a couple of months. Of course since I found a reason to stay I can’t really complain. We’ve started wedding planning in for reals. Still mostly working out the getting spaces and working out budget options. We also have pushed dates back a bit (Ceremony next April, with a trip to DC this summer to get the licence) to give us more time and money.

Work is work. I hit the 5 year mark in Jan and my DM asked me what ‘Bucks could do to keep me for another 5 years. Part of me wanted to laugh and tell her to pay me more. but I wisely refrained. Instead I told her that I want to explore advancement opportunities OUTSIDE of the store setting. So we’ll see what happens. Some other things have happened recently that seem to be signs telling me it’s time to jump ship. As it happens I have a potential lead on a SM position in a tea store. It’s still retail, and ideally I would like to get out of that, but it would be more of a boutique as opposed to the cafe. But we’ll see what happens, that is gonna take awhile to manifest or not.

Things with the Brotherhood are going well. My council term is up next month, and I will not be serving again (at least not for a cycle or two). It’s not that I have anything against it, I’m just ready for a break. And to focus on getting ordained. I’m still going back and forth on it, but it still comes up. The problem isn’t so much the calling, that is present, the issues come with trying to negotiate between the type of priest I see myself being and the type of priest that I feel (correctly or incorrectly) I’m expected to be. I also have some ideas for workshops that are floating in my head.

Okay so that was more recap than I thought. Oh well, perhaps I will post again soon and actually talk about the spring movement that I’ve been feeling latey. Zhai’helleva

And the fun just keeps on comin’

kinkspirit — Thu, 07 Oct 2010 02:11:41 +0000

Ugh I swear my boss is trying to kill me slowly and painfully. The good news is that M and I found our apartment fairly quickly and we can’t wait to move in. It’s a 1 bdrm just a little north of where M currently lives…and more importantly it has a dishwasher, a back deck, a storage unit AND a whirlpool tub. The only thing that would make it better is if it had in-unit laundry, but I guess I can’t have everything. We are getting almost completely new furniture too. I’m really excited cuz I’ve never had furniture that matched. I will admit tho I am a little nervous about making sure we don’t bite off more than we can chew. Not that I’m really worried about living with M, after all we have been more or less living in his place and using mine for the cats and storage. But it will be different when we don’t have that option of getting away. We’ll make it work of course…we always do. At least I have made a start on boxing and purging. Mostly I just want to get rid of my bed so I have someplace to stack all the boxes as I pack.

Work is just as screwy as ever. I move in 10 days and…OMG. The good news is that my boss gave me that whole weekend off so I can move. The bad news is that I work every day between now and then. So I’ve 2 40 hr weeks that I get to schedule packing time around. And M is just as busy with school and trying to get his apt packed. Ugh…I know it will work itself out, but I don’t see how. Oh yeah…and I’m still not fixed in the system, so I’m not technically employed. In fact I don’t even know if I am going to get a paycheck this week. Tomorrow is supposedly the deadline for getting this fixed…tho I really don’t what P will do if it isn’t fixed.

Between the work drama, the apt drama and all the other little stuff that keeps happening I am glad of 2 things. 1) That I got to go on vacation last month and 2) That we don’t have to really think about wedding drama until after we get some of this other stuff settled.

WTF….just WTF

kinkspirit — Mon, 27 Sep 2010 16:10:29 +0000

My boss is an idiot. He’s a nice guy and most of the time I like him, but he does some really stupid things sometimes. This one though takes the all time cake. Last Monday he was apparently trying to process my review and somehow ended up separating me. That’s right….he freaking terminated me. Now he caught it right afterward and called Partner Resources to get it reversed and fixed. Of course he didn’t actually tell me that something was up until he called me on Wednesday to let me know there was a computer glitch and my name wasn’t on the schedule but not to freak out. And he didn’t explain what actually happened till Friday when I got my paycheck and realized they had paid out all of my PTO. Supposedly everything is supposed to be fixed in the next day or two, but I’ve spent a week in this stupid limbo where my numbers and my discount don’t work. And by the gods if he screwed up my health insurance or my stock options I will curse him so hard his grandchildren will still be reeling from it.

Oh and I still haven’t had my review, cuz he wants to wait and make sure everything gets fixed. I REALLY need a new job. I was hoping for at least a transfer but that doesn’t look like it will be happening. I need a door, a window, a porthole…something. Ugh!!!

Zhai’helleva

Travelin’ Man

kinkspirit — Mon, 27 Sep 2010 05:36:13 +0000

It’s been a while since I’ve had time or desire to write. I’ve been doing some traveling and taking some well deserved rest after the way work has been. But now I’m home and it is time to begin the work of the harvest…gathering that which has been planted and planning for the what will sustain during the quiet months ahead.

My first trip, and the timing of my biggest news, was a visit with M out to Ann Arbor to see a a few friends. It was our first trip together and it was lots of fun. It was nice to get away and be able to spend time together not worrying about work or school. Of course A hooked me up for a ride on the ET box and he even got M into a sleepsac and wired up. Needless to say I’ve got some great pictures. The highlight of the trip however was our day out at the Mich Ren Faire. M had never to been to a renfaire so of course we had to get him all dressed up and show him a good time. The best part however was when we were at this silversmith’s shop and told me to pick out a ring. Yes that’s right he asked me to marry him! Of course I said yes, after all he’s the best thing that has ever happened to me. We’re planning for a wedding in Oct ’11 and I can’t wait. On a slight tangent we told both sets of parents and the results were about what we had expected. M’s mom’s response was don’t send me pictures. My parents were a little better, Dad said that the while they love me and were glad that I am happy, they still disagree with my life choices. Ha…if only they knew about some of them. Obviously his parents will not be coming and I doubt mine will either, though they did say that they would think about it. I really don’t care if they come. Actually that’s not true, I would like them to be there, but I refuse to beg and plead for them to show up just to ruin my special day. Part of me feels bad knowing my relationship with M causes problems for both our familes, but I know it’s not about individuals and our parents would have the same problem no matter who the other guy either of us were marrying. Ugh, why can’t they all just be happy that we’ve found each other.

Anyway back to my travels, shortly after we got back from Ann Arbor I had a week of work and then it was time form my real vacation….10 days away from the ‘bux. The first weekend was for Inferno. I won’t go into too many details, but I will say that I got to try a few things that I’ve never tried before as well as a few old favorites. No major bruises this time, although I did have a lovely set of wings…but they faded out after only a week or so. I’m strongly considering applying for CHC membership. My only concern is that between the Brotherhood and work I don’t have a lot of free time and I’m afraid it would eat up the little that I have left. M had a little bit of a freak out when I got home, but just like every other issue we’ve had we managed to talk things out.

Then it was a few short days at home to relax and spend time with the bf and the kitty and it was off to the final excursion. That’s right back to MI…this time for a Brotherhood retreat at a lovely place called Camp Ronora. 20 Brothers out in the woods for a weekend of fun, merriment and community building. It was by far the best retreat we’ve had…the perfect balance of work and play.

And now I am home and getting back into the swing of things. Traveling is fun but its nice to be home and normal. M is crazy busy with school, we’re looking for an apt together and of course we’ve got a wedding to plan. There is also some stuff going on at work, but I don’t want to post anything about it till it’s finished. I think that’s enough for now. Good night!

Zhai’helleva

Goodbye my darling girl…

kinkspirit — Thu, 26 Aug 2010 15:57:28 +0000

We had to let my baby go this week. She has been sick for a while, but I didn’t think she was that sick until I came home from M. on Tuesday and she was laying on the floor stretched out and non-responsive. I got the girls in 2001 when they were 2 so Mittens had a fairly long and happy life. The rest of the family (Me, M. and Chirpy) are all kind of reeling at the moment. (I keep turning around expecting her to walk out of the closet) But I know she is in a happier place, once again free to run the plains and stalk her prey as the mighty hunter that she was. And as she goes I offer this prayer.

Hail Bast, compassionate and loving Lady
Before you stand Mittens
A mighty huntress, who is loving and gentle of Spirit
Innocent and pure of heart.
I plead with Thee to take her gently by the hand
And lead her across the Rainbow Bridge
Into the Land of Amenti.
With love take her to Lord Osiris
He who is Lord of everlasting life.

Hail Osiris, my Lord who dwells in the shadow lands of Amenti
Bast, thy daughter, brings before you Mittens, child of my heart
She has lived a long and happy life, but her place now is by your side.
I plead with Thee, care for her, love her, and left her rest.
For she has been true and loved unconditionally
LEt her romp in the green meadows awhile
Stalking her prey, to hunt and to rest
And if be thy will
May she once again return to the this world and once more find happiness.
For the wheel ever turns.

Hail Isis, My Lady who is Mother to us all
Mittens, who is a child of my heart
Has been brought before Osiris, thy husband.
I plead that with your loving arms you embrace me
As you have shed salt tears of sorrow,
So, too, do I shed them now.
The wheel turns for all,
Let my tears become tears of joy at her release
Lift the sorrow from my heart.

Mittens, who we have loved and laughed together,
For your presence in my life
I thank you!
Restore and res dear daughter
Though gone from this plane
You’ll be ever in my heart,
I love you, dear child.

Zhai’helleva

Spin me right round…

kinkspirit — Wed, 28 Jul 2010 05:29:54 +0000

Wow it’s been a couple of really busy months and doesn’t look to be slowing down until Oct (I’m praying for Samhain). I’ve been working extra hours at work for the last 2 months cuz we’ve been so busy and short staffed. We’ve finally got a guy in training, but one of the other baristas is leaving at the end of August. All I know is, I better get my weekend in Aug and my 10 days in Sept…I got things to do! I’m kinda desperately looking for another job, but I’m also taking on all this extra stuff at work. I’ve kinda been put in charge of cleaning and maintenance lately. I gotta admit that I kinda like it…and I’m kinda hoping I can do something big to help the store and could look into a position with another part of the company. We’ve also just rolled out this new inventory software and we’re still getting used to it. I will admit the geek in me is a little excited as I test the new software. We also got a memory upgrade for the registers cuz we’re getting new software there too. (For the record, our registers use DDR2 memory.) Yes, we are finally leaving DOS behind. …only 20 years or so behind everyone else. So bits of fun, but I would really like a new job, perferably out of retail. If anyone knows about something let me know in the comments.

M. is also getting ready to quit work, but that’s cuz he starts at Garrett in Sept. It is going to be interesting with him going to seminary. It’s not that seminary is weird, but just having him in school full time. We’re also getting ready to move in together…our leases r up at Samhain so we’rw a few months out. But we’ve already started looking at apts online and figuring out what furniture we are going to need, and what needs to be ditched. It’s sad, but I think the room we are both most excited about is the kitchen…we are going to end up having every gadget possible. And yes, we even looked at china patterns together…..though we’ll save that I think for the wedding registry. Neither of us have asked yet, but I could see it happening. I can’t believe it has been almost a year already. Fall equinox is our anniversary. M. has something planned for me, but I have no idea what it is. We are supposed to be going out to see A and R in Aug. Take some time off, maybe go to RenFaire, maybe get abused a bit (both of us) so he can get an idea of what Inferno will be like. Yes sir, I will be going back for my second year. I’m only doing one run cuz I can’t afford it and besides I don’t think I can be away from my bf for that long. As soon as I get my registration in the mail I will start planning out my dance card. There are a few things that I hopefully want to try…not to mention a few tried and true things. In other M. related news, the Target up by his house just opened. It’s amazing! I think one of us has managed to be there every day since it opened. It’s so cruizy though. The first night we went in there together we got updowned so many times I lost track. I love it. I especially love that they have groceries there….though I have a hard time buying meat from Target. But between that and Aldi we shouldn’t need to go to Jewel all that often.

In other news, this season of Apotheosis is kicking my ass. Part of it is because I am in my Healer year with the Brotherhood and I can already feel it starting to pull towards the Warrior. I’ve already had calls to action in several parts of my life. Because of the difference in serostatus between M. and me I’m starting to have to actually deal with some of the stuff that I’ve put off for the last few years. It’s been rough, and I’m nowhere near a return to balance, but I’ve got a direction at least. I’m also going to start working on my Ordeal class. My goal by Fri is to have at least a full outline. I think that’s do-able. I’ve been thinking a lot about it and I just need to start collecting my thoughts. I was also also supposed to be ordained by Fall equinox, but I don’t know if that will happen since we haven’t talked about it in months. There was going to be some really nice symmetry there. Me getting ordained, M starting at seminary. We are the perfect odd couple, but we work. I am firmly convinced that part of both of our ministries is to be a living example of inter-faith work. I may even have to read some of my bible again so we can discuss it. LOL That is one of the things I’m a little concerned about with us living together. M has never really seen me at home, when I’m actively working with my altars. I’m hoping he will be okay with it. He pointed out the other day that I have been getting more overtly “witchy” around him lately. When I asked him how he felt about it he said it was nice cuz it seemed like I was relaxing more and not holding back to avoid scaring him. So I think it will work out well. He’s even giving me suggestions for how we will lay out the altars in the new apt. Some time before we move I really need to get statues for Tehuti and Anpu. That and my tattoo are my next big purchases I think. My latest one is a 1TB external hard drive. And since nature abhors a vacuum I am going to go start filling it.

Zhai’hellva

Dark stain

kinkspirit — Mon, 19 Jul 2010 07:49:08 +0000

Dark stain, never to be removed
How can I hide from you
Lurking in the corner of the mirror
My body has welcomed you in
And like a squatter I cannot kick you out

My body, once a temple
Now a prison cell
Walking, talking I try to pretend
Yet there is this monster
Sitting, lurking waiting for it’s moment to strike

Fighting, screaming, ranting
Has done no good
Neither has turning my back
Shutting you out
You always find a way to remind me of your presence

I stand alone in fear
Of what I may do to others
Yet I cannot stand the cold
Drawing close I dance between love and fear

Dark stain, never to be removed
Will I ever be free