Needs a title
I have been feeling off balance lately. Part of it is Beltaine energies and the coming (pardon the pun) of the Lover. I mean we all know how I like to dance around a good maypole. 
But part of it feels like something else. It’s hard to describe, but the easiest way is to say that my personal elements are all out of whack. My Air and Water have always a weird manic-depressive relationship, but in the last 6 months or so it seems to have gotten worse. My Fire has also been suffering lately due to a lot of Earth. But since most of the Earth things aren’t going away soon, nor do I want them to, I need to figure out how to structure it into a chimney rather than a cover.
Some of that is already happening. I’ve got some new projects that I’m actually excited about starting. And with finally being off council I actually have the energy. (That’s not to say I wouldn’t do it again, I just needed a break.) I’m going to be focusing less on Ordeal Path stuff and more on pop culture, myth/meme construction, and other Upperworldly stuff. So all this good stuff is happening for me, but I still feel off in some way. I’m almost almost thinking that it’s time to break out the Book of Elements again. It’s amazing how something as basic, and I’ll admit annoying, would be one of the things that I keep going back to. I still don’t like several exercises we learned, but at least I can see the value of teaching them to us.. But yeah, need to start setting some things back in order before I get into the full swing of things. On the other hand I need to be careful that I don’t spend all my time focused inward and forget about outward.
This past weekend was Beltaine and it ended up being a really nice night so I took my cauldron out to the deck and did some fire scrying with the Ancestors. Of course this is my favorite holiday of the year (though Sovven is a very close second). It probably is because they share a lot of the same energies…though those that are different are pretty much polar opposites. And even that speaks to me…I spend a lot of time trying to dance along that fault line in power dynamic systems. But back to my evening, I had a good conversation with the Ancestors, both collectively and a few individually. One of the main messeages that I got was that I needed to make some descions and stick with them. Too often I am trying to keep my options open, see every twist and turn of the path on either side before I commit. And I’m not getting anywhere this way, cuz sometimes I’m too afraid of the consequences. It’s something that I am vowing to work on, and with the release of energy I think a difference can me made.
But now it is time to rest the mortal coil….still have to go to work and pay the bills. I may get to visit places outside this world, I still gotta live here too.
Zhai’helleva
P.S. I’ve decided I’m buying a lycra sleep sack this weekend. *SQUEEEE*
