Stepping into the shadows

Why do I always find myself posting in the middle of the night…probably cuz that’s the only free time I have lately. I’m almost ready for the holidays to be over just so things slow down for a few months. On the other hand I can’t believe 2009 is almost over. But I can’t really complain….at least staying busy keeps me out of trouble.

The bux continues as normal…boring and annoying.  The whole via thing is done, but now it’s HOLIDAY!! can you see how much I care?!?!  I still want to leave, and I kinda hate myself for going in everyday, but haven’t found anything else.  I still haven’t heard back from that job.  I know I shouldn’t be getting discouraged yet, but I think I’m starting to.  I just need to keep looking I guess.  And they still have a few more weeks before the ad closes so who knows.

Things with M. are awesome.  It’s kinda amazing how fast I fell for him, but I’m totally in love with him.  We make a good couple, and apparently a cute one as well.  Several people commented on the “engagement pictures” that we took a couple of weeks ago.   Now M. had wanted to get some pictures taken for a Xmas present for his mom and had asked if I wanted to be in some.  His friend who taking the pics apparently had the wrong idea and thought that they were more couples pics.  And so we have some amazing couples pics and a few individuals as well.  But it’s kinda funny how everyone who sees the pictures thinks we’ve been together for years.  One of the girls at work even refers to M. as “your hubby.”  I’m not sure I’m ready to marry him just yet…..but definitely plan on holding on to this one.

Things with the Brotherhood continue as well. We celebrated ShadowDance last weekend and I can feel a very clear shift as we move past the final harvest and begin to look into the cold dark Night of Winter.  There is also a very clear thinning between the worlds.  I keep finding myself distracted and usually half out of my body.  I’m also getting some challenges and things set in order for my winter projects. A. is pushing me to write a workshop series.  It’s going to be Ordeal Path so it’ll be good.  I just need to find the right way to approach it.  I’ve had a few ideas, I just need to sit down and start playing with them.  I’m also working on getting my nest in order.  I cleaned the closet the other day and got rid of two boxes of stuff.  I’m gonna try to go through my clothes in the next couple of days and then M. is gonna come over on Sat and help me clean the carpets.  Hopefully then he’ll be able to stay over more.  I mean I can’t blame him, the amonia smell is pretty strong…and I’m not the greatest at cleaning.  At least I’m not as much of a packrat as my parents, but I generally don’t care if it’s just me.  I’m going to work on that but it will be nice to have a strong start.  I feel kinda bad that he’s gonna help me, but I don’t think I can move all the furniture myself…and I need motivation.

But now it’s time for bed.  Hopefully I will write soon, but who knows.  Zhai’helleva

Quickie Update – that wasn’t

It’s been a crazy week and I can definately tell that it is almost Samhain…or Sovven as I have been calling it for a couple of years. (The name Sovven is Valdemar name for a holiday that closely resembles Samhain.) There’s the breakneck speed to get everything finished before winter.  I actually heard someone last night talking about how many weeks until Xmas. WTF it’s WAY to early for that. (We also got the holiday cups in at work….that is so wrong).  I’ve also been noticing an increase in my sensitivity, particularly with deja vu.  I’m still feeling a little worn out from the busy summer, but it’s not quite time to rest yet.

In work news not a lot is going on…my hours were kinda short for this coming week, but I managed to pick up an extra shift.  I hate working on my day off, but sometimes ya gotta.  And I still have my Saturday off….with nothing that I have to do!!  I will most likely spend it hanging out with M.  Things are going really well there and they just keep getting better and better.  Last Saturday we went out to dinner at La Creperie (It was amazing) and then went to see Terra Mysterium perform their new show.  It was a great show, lots of laughs, a few inside jokes, and beautiful music.  And it was even better because M came with me.  Afterwards we went to Gayhop with t and G, which was fun as always.  I think I want to keep this boy around for a while.  And for those who are wondering…yes I got laid.  OMG…OMFG

Balance in the whirlwind

OMG I can’t believe Oct is almost half over.  Seems like just last week it was Aug and I was waiting for summer camp to get here.  And as always Fall is extra busy getting ready for the coming Winter.  Work has been fairly boring lately, except for crazy busy weekends. I’m getting a little sick of working nights though, I feel like I never have my evenings free to do anything.  But on the other hand I am getting almost 40 hrs every week  so at least the money is good.  I’m also a little annoyed at how much they are making us push Via.  I mean it’s a great product and I love it, but it’s hard to generate excitement for it when we’ve already had it for 6 months.  Oh well at least it happened before the review changes.

The Brotherhood is still busy as always.  Last week I got to run one of the shortest business meetings on record….11 min.  Technically I suppose it wasn’t really a meeting because we didn’t have quorum, but since we didn’t really have anything to decide it didn’t matter.  The only thing we dicussed was Ectasis, which was this past Saturday.  We had a good turnout, something like 50 or so.  It was a very good ritual if I do say so myself.  I got to aspect the Androgyne, which was amazing as always.  And I mean that Ze was amazing, not so much me.  I loved my outfit and makeup and I’ll try to post pics when I get them.  I also got a lot of personal stuff from Hir, some of which I’m still not sure what it means.  The big thing is that I need to re-evaluate where I’m putting my energy because I’ve let parts of my life get out of balance.

Somewhat in relation to that is my other big news.  I met this new guy last Tues and we’ve been talking and/or hanging out all week. And I still haven’t had sex with him…I know, I can’t believe it either!  But he wants to take things slow…and I’m actually kinda cool with that.  He’s a really sweet guy and I’m kinda become a sappy romantic.  My only real complaint is that I’m gonna have to upgrade my txt plan cuz he burns through them LOL   Its kinda a strange situation….he’s a Christian and 99% vanilla, but I think  we might be able to make something work.  A lot of his vanilla comes from a lack of exposure, so I’ll just have to expose him slowly.  And I’m cool with the Christianity as long as he doesn’t mind that I’m Pagan.  I guess we’ll just have to see what comes of it.  I wouldn’t call him the future Mr O yet, but I could see this having a lot of potential.  More updates to come…..and hopefully I get laid soon!!

Zhai’hellvea

Song to the Androgyne

You stand in challenge

And push the boundaries.

Embrace wholeness, you say to me.

You must experience

Both male and female

To rise above and be reborn.

You stand before me,

Moving back and forth

Dancing between light and shadow.

One moment I can see your face

And the next all is blurred.

Your very presence reminds me

That nothing stands exactly as it seems.

Two made one, and one made two

The swirling dance comes upon me.

The push of opposites

That pull me higher

Your secret whispered in my ear.

Find strength in weakness

And acknowledge the weakness of strengths.

I cannot deny the truth

Your very presence

Makes me uncomfortable.

You stand outside

And remind me

That there is more than meets the eye.

We dance and spin

Faster and faster.

Swirling together in an endless spiral

A perfect dance, the two made one

Till suddenly I am alone

For I am Thee and Thou art me.

Now I am the one

Made of two.

Both sides in equal parts

Male and female,

Weakness and strength,

Light and dark.

Embrace wholeness, I say

You must experience

Both male and female

To rise above and be reborn

I stand alone for I transcend the boundaries.

I am Male, And I am Female.

I am both and I am neither.

Polarities embodied, not two but One!

I stand apart for Nature says I cannot be.

Yet here I stand, a penis and a vagina in one body.

Rejected by community, I must make my own

And so I call to you

For I understand the art of balance

Without which true ta kye te is not possible.

I am Ze who bridges the gap of the sexes

I am Mother

I am Father.

Perhaps you know me by a different name

I have been called Hermaphroditus, Ardhanari, Hapi, Baphomet

I am all of these and I am so much more

I am the Androgyne

The songs of your life – movie edition

1. Open your library (iTunes, winamp, media player, iPod)
2. Put it on shuffle
3. Press play
4. For every question, type the song that’s playing
5. New question– press the next button
6. Don’t lie and try to pretend you’re cool

Opening Credits:

Dead Can Dance – The Writing On My Father’s Hand

Little haunting….sounds like a good way to start

Waking Up:

Three Days Grace – I Hate Everything About You

Not everyday…but there have been enough

First Day At School:

Beth Orton – Comfort of Strangers

Kind of amusing since I was homeschooled

Falling in Love:

E-Rotic – Help Me Dr. Dick

I know nothing…NOTHING!

Breaking Up:

Rufus Wainwright – Going To A Town

Also kinda appropriate

Prom:

Crash Test Dummies – Mmm Mmm Mmm

I lived the last verse…hence homeschooling and no prom

Life’s Okay:

Gretchen Wilson – When I Think About Cheatin’

Not sure what to make of this one

Mental Breakdown:

Social Distortion – Bad Luck

Yeah there are days

Driving:

Jack Johnson – Staple It Together

Fun driving song

Flashback:

Elton John – Love Her Like Me

Change the her to a him and this would make a lot of sense

Getting Back Together:

Thao Nguyen & The Get Down Stay Down – Bag of Hammers

Yeah that would be about right for most of my relationships

Wedding:

Phantom of the Opera – All I Ask of You

This totally works for a wedding song

Birth of a Child:

Rocky Horror Picture Show – Sweet Transvestie

Well…if I’m giving birth this wouldn’t be the strangest thing about it

Final Battle:

Dixie Chicks – Never Say Die

No comment

Death Scene:

Pat Benatar – Heartbreaker

If I’m going out I going out in style

Funeral Song:

Kim English – Everyday

My funeral is going to be party…but I’m not sure it should be a rave

End Credits:

S.J. Tucker – Sorrow’s Song (Child of Dying Stars)

This totally works as a closing song

Inferno 38

I got home this afternoon from my first ever Inferno and I’m already looking forward to next year.  I wish I had done the full run instead of only the one session, but since this was my first year I didn’t want to push myself.  I had seen pictures of past years so I kinda had an idea of what to expect, and yet it somehow managed to be unlike anything I could imagine.  Some 200+ guys at a secret location doing evil things to each other…sounds like a dream come true.  Over the course of the run I got electrified, flogged, spanked, got covered in wax and latex, and even got chased around the compound with a wet pillowcase (and yes I have welts from that).  But even more important than that was the sense of camaraderie and brotherhood that I got from most of the people I talked with.   One of my biggest concerns about going was that I wasn’t going to know anybody and that I would spend most of the weekend hiding in my room.  Only once during the entire trip did I start to freak out a little, and that was only partially from the shyness stuff, so I went and took a nap and felt much better after that.  I even got up the nerve to ask one or two people if they were interested in playing…gasp, I know.   I didn’t get to go to the meeting for people interested in joining CHC, and while I’m pretty sure I want to at some point I think it may be best to wait on that.  I don’t know what the commitments are like on that and I don’t want to shortchange my commitments to the BOTP.  Maybe I’ll talk to A. and see if he can give me an idea.

In a lot of ways the event reminded me of PSG, only instead of crazy hippies we had crazy leathermen.   But still the same sense of bonding and welcoming of new people. The other comparison to PSG that everyone warned me about was the post-Inferno crash as you go back to the real world and your endorphins restabilize and you can’t fall alseep because there aren’t screams in the night. We’ll see how I do…especially since most of the others stayed for the second session.

I didn’t get into anything with an overall spiritual bent, but I did get a couple of ideas…especially from the wax scene.  The guy who did it used the 7 day candles and melted them in a fondue pot.  By using a couple of full candles in each coat you were able to build up enough to pull it off in sheets….it felt like it was a layer of skin or a shell coming off.  Of course there were a lot of things I didn’t get to try, and lots of things that I saw that made me curious about trying…but that just gives me a reason to go back next year…or go to some of the monthly play parties I suppose.

Time to go stretch out and enjoy the fact that I get to sleep in a comfortable bed again.  Zhai’helleva

Stuff

Why is it that I can spend 3 hours playing Maplestory, but as soon as I decide it’s time for bed I get struck with the urge to write. Grr! At least my playing was productive…Seedflame is now level 56. Of course now that means it’s time to start working on Seedspark again, he’s only level 31 Gods, I am such a nerd lol. Anyway let’s get a few quick life updates out of the way. Work is just as insane as always. I was late for on Tuesday because I overslept…yes I overslept for an afternoon shift. I’m a genius. Also the pastry case compressor decided to burn out this week. We got a new case installed this afternoon. Of course it made the first half of the shift totally chaotic and stressed me out cuz I’m trying to run a normal shift while 4 guys do major remodeling…not fun! But at least it’s done now, and it did fixed fairly quickly so I suppose I shouldn’t complain. I told P. yesterday that I would be very excited if we could go a week without anything in the store breaking. I doubt it will happen, but it would be nice.

In Brotherhood news we’re getting ready for Pagan Pride this weekend. I’m supposed to be in charge of the booth and get everything organized, but I’ve had a hard time getting motivated for it. Mostly I think cuz while I agree it’s a good thing to do, it is not very high on my personal priority list. Oh well, it’s service to the community…and it should be fairly simple, just gotta do some last minute detail checking.

Most of my attention right now is fixated on summer camp. In just a handful of days I will be leaving the city to spend 4 days relaxing, socializing, and hopefully getting beaten (I swear I better come home with bruises). I really don’t know what to expect, and everyone I talk to tells me that it won’t be anything like I expect anyway so I’m trying not to speculate too much. The phrase that keeps coming to mind is “holding my expectations lightly.” It is basically the way I try to approach magic and even life. I tried explaining that to one of my friends, but I don’t think he got it. While there are goals and outcomes that I am working for, the way those manifest is open for interpretations. For summer camp my goals are fairly simple, to relax, have fun, and meet new people. I have also been thinking about looking into joining CHC at some point in the future and this is a good first step.

The part about meeting new people is the one that has me a little worried. I hate new situations and unknown people so this trip is probably going to be a little challenging for me, but I think I will be alright. I know several people who are going so I will at least have some friends there and won’t be totally alone. I also got volunteered to be in the opening show cuz A. knows that I do ritual so I ought to do theater as well. HA! I still get nervous and freaked out every time I do ritual and for this I have to sing and dance. Well, not really sing…I have to lipsync, which I suppose is slightly better. But it’s a good way for a first year to get noticed and hopefully that will translate into more play…or at least more contacts. That reminds me, I should make sure I bring a stack of business cards.

Well, I don’t know if I really said anything worth posting, but at least I got caught up and now I feel ready for bed.

Zhai’helleva

Coming home

On the train back to the city. It will be nice to get into familiar surrounding again.  It’s hard to describe why I don’t like the burbs.  I guess the easiest answer is that I never feel like I fin in when I’m out there.  Add to that the stress of any family event and it was very uncomfortable.  Don’t get me wrong, I enjoyed the wedding and I was honored that my brother asked me to be a groomsman, but still it was a long day.

The ceremony itself was nice, if a littel strongly Christian for my tasts.  In fact, if it hadn’t been for on anti-gay joke from the pastor I would have been perfectly happy.  The pastor flubbed his lines and said something about J. promising to be a good husband to A.  And then to cover it up he made a joke about “how it’s a good thing we have two sexes rather than two same-sex people trying to get married.”  Now I’m sure he didn’t mean to screw up the line, but why turn it into an anti-gay joke.  What I find really interesting was that the only others who were offended by that were the lesbian couple (mind you, the 3 of us were the only homos at this entire affair).  I thought about saying something to the pastor, but decided that it was A. & J. special day and I didn’t want do anything to disrupt it.

The reception was good…but only because I brought a flask.  The funny part is that every other groomsman but two did the same things, and one of those two was underage.  So we mostly stood outside drinking ant talking.  The food was pretty good for catered buffet, but I never got around to trying the cake.

My aunt and uncle came up for the wedding as well.  It was the first time I’ve seen them in at least five years. My aunt was bitchy cuz they got set at a far table from the family, although all the sibs were at the head table anyway.  I guess she was also pissed at my mom because of the whole name change thing (but that’s is completely different drama).  The only time she even spoke to me was to say goodbye and that I should come down to Indy to visit sometime.  Cuz that’s really easy without a car.  Maybe I should get a bf with a car and go down for Thanksgiving…no, I don’t think I can be that cruel to any man.

But that’s about it for the day. Now I’m on my way home and just looking forward to relaxing and chilling at home.  I was gonna go the the RenFaire tomorrow, but I really just want to have a day to sit around the house and play video games so I think that’s what I’m gonna do. I’ll post this when I get home.

Zhai’helleva

SoulSong, Outreach, and Why I hate the Metra…

This weekend was another busy one. Saturday was Soul Song, and just like every other ritual day it was filled with lots of running around and last minute prep. This one is always fun because we try to be outside and so were up at the Evanston Arts Center. Of course it started about 2 hours earlier than I was expecting with a phone call telling me that one of the brothers had gotten mugged while walking home from the EL the night before. For those who don’t know, Chicago is in the middle of a mugging spree, mostly in the Lincoln Park, Lakeview, and Roger’s Park areas. It added some extra complexities and stresses to an already stressful day. Side note: J. is home and doing well. The police caught the attackers and got back most what was stolen. Once we finally got up to the space things settled down a bit and we were able to get ourselves organized fairly well. Turnout was pretty good, about 30 I believe, which is really about all that fire circle can hold. The Warrior was very present and had some very thoughtful, although challenging, words to share. Among other things he talked about how unfocused strength is wasted and requires will to give it purpose. This spoke a lot to me because as I’ve said lately I feel like I am running in circles. Most of the things I’m doing are important, but I’ve been letting a lot of my personal work slide so that I have time for everything else. Part of the reason for that is that I’m not exactly sure yet what it is I’m supposed to be doing. I know that I am developing my leadership skills and none of what I’m doing is wasted, but sometimes it would be nice to see the progress. Strangely enough I think that “Summer Camp” will help bring some things back to focus, but more on that later.

Sunday was a fairly quiet day. I slept in a bit and then closed at work. It was a disaster as always when I got in. Shortly after that though it started raining and that slowed things down a lot so we were able to get caught up and got out on time.

Today was another crazy day. K. and I were supposed to go out and do this lecture for the Palatine PFLAG group and we hadn’t had a chance to sit down and figure it out yet. So after running a side errand to pick up some BOTP flyers and stuff I went up to J.’s cuz K. was staying with him since he got back from the hospital. We got everything figured out fairly quickly with lots of time to spare to socialize with J. He seemed in fairly good spirits considering which makes me glad cuz I had been worrying quite a bit about him. Finally it was time to leave and so K. and I walked down to take the train downtown to catch the Metra out to Palatine. We finally got on the train (completely packed with rush hour commuters) and got maybe a ½ mile past the Clyborn stop and the train broke down! Obviously between the train and all the trouble that I had getting this thing organized we weren’t supposed to be going out there this evening. By the time they got the train running again we were almost an hour behind schedule and weren’t going to be able to make it out to the burbs. We sent an email to the contact but since she never gave me a phone number we had no way to connect. Of course we were on the express train (Haha) so once they got it running it didn’t stop until Mt. Prospect. We got off so we could switch to a train back to the city but it was almost a 2 hr wait. Have I mentioned I HATE metra trains? So we walked over to this little burb dive bar to have a drink and get some food while we waited. It was kinda scary, but reminded me why I don’t want to live in the burbs. Eventually we caught the train back to the city and slowly made our way home.

In a quick wrap-up of “Summer Camp” news I got my patch today…which makes me happy. I also got an email today letting me know I have a ride there…which makes me even more happy. What really amuses me though is that one of the other guys in the car is a fellow brother who also happens to be part of this other group (but hasn’t been very active lately). The bonds of brotherhood run in strange ways sometimes. And finally I somehow got volunteered to be part of a skit during the opening ceremonies. I hate being in front of lots of people, but I suppose if I can do it in ritual I can do it for this.

Now it’s back to the normal work stuff….at least till next weekend and my brother’s wedding. I still don’t know if I’m in the wedding party, hopefully someone will let me know in the next few days.

Zhai’helleva

Violence and monotony

Today was another long day and yet I’m not sleepy yet. At least it’s not the heat this time. My apartment has finally cooled enough that I should be able to get a good nights sleep. Work was fairly normal, almost a little slow. I was all slap happy from closing the night before and then going in early today and G. kept dropping things (like full pitchers of milk) so there was plenty to do. But at least it was a short shift and now I have two days off to catch up on the rest of my life.

I ran a couple of errands after work, including buying a pair of Crocs for work. I can’t believe I actually let myself buy them but one of the girls at work swears by her pair and I’m sick of having to replace my shoes every 4-5 months. We’ll see how I actually feel about them after a couple of shifts. And if I don’t like them…they will make a lovely bonfire.

After running around I really wanted to come home and take a nap, but alas it was not to be. I spent a couple of hours doing housework, organizing some stuff, and dealing with various Brotherhood situations before the membership meeting. The meeting itself was short and sweet. It looks like we will be having a booth at MIR this year which really excites me. I’m still kinda sad that we weren’t at IML, but I wasn’t really looking forward to a repeat of last year…no matter how well it turned out.. Of course that means another weekend I have to request off, but the bux is just going to have to deal. Some things are more important. I’ll have to look into making a deal probably, but that shouldn’t be a problem.

After the meeting I was feeling fairly violent and I’m not sure why. Actually I do know partially why but I’m choosing not to say. As I tweeted I’m not sure if I wanted to be hurt or if I wanted to hurt someone else. I think it was a little bit of both. Strangely there wasn’t anything sexual about it, just the need for violence. Of course I didn’t do anything about it,,,,that would make too much sense. But I was also feeling lazy and don’t have a consistent outlet for that around here. So I read instead. I managed to finish two books…which is probably why I’m not sleepy at all. Both were Diane Duane books which I have read before but I was specifically reading them for research. I’ve got a project that borrows an idea of hers and I wanted to review how she implemented it before I go and do it myself.

Tomorrow is going to be an exciting day of laundry and writing, and if I’m lucky I won’t have to leave the apartment once, but first of course I need to sleep. I think I’ve come down enough off of my reading high that I should be able to that. Plus there are a few people I want to talk to….and that’s always easier in my dreams.

Zhai’helleva